CHASKA, MN—After highly credible sources provided evidence that Dominion voting machines were hacked by the forces of darkness to steal the election away from the One True President Donald Trump, MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell is taking matters into his own hands to protect the sanctity of American democracy with the new MyPillow Voting Machine.
"This is, by far, is the most secure, technologically advanced, and comfortable voting machine you will ever use," said Lindell in a televised promotion of the new machine. "It's completely unhackable, as well as machine washable-- way better than that garbage Dominion makes! I guarantee you will be completely satisfied with your voting experience, as well as the election results, or your money back!"
Lindell is currently touring the country, talking to secretaries of state to pitch the benefits of his new voting machine design. If successful, he promises that America's election will be safe and secure for decades to come.
Sources say there is one downside to the machine since it will only allow the user to vote for Trump. Lindell has assured he will soon be adding functionality that will allow people to vote for other Republican candidates as well.