TEHRAN — The legless torso of newly-appointed Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei assured the world that the loss of his legs in battle was "just a flesh wound".
"Tis' but a scratch," declared Khamenei as aides carefully balanced his torso on the floor. "I've had worse. Come on then, America, you Great Satan you! Have at you, you yellow-bellied cowards. I'm invincible!!"
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth reportedly spoke to the Ayatollah directly, asking Khamenei to admit defeat. "Ooooh, had enough then Pete, have you?" cackled the Ayatollah in response. "Chicken! chicken! Come on then, you pansy!"
In response, Hegseth ordered another wave of missile strikes against the Ayatollah's underground compound, which blew off Khamenei's arms. "I'll do you for that," cried Khamenai. "The glorious Islamic Republic always triumphs! Come back here and take what's coming to you!"
At publishing time, a defiant Ayatollah had issued a warning that the IRGC was prepared to bite America's legs off.
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