HEAVEN—A spokesperson for the Most High God confirmed that God will be ending humanity before any remake of The Princess Bride can be released.
Humanity was forced to acknowledge that the God of the Bible is good, merciful, and gracious after His spokesangels confirmed he would rather destroy all of humanity than force anyone to live in a universe where The Princess Bride was remade.
"Before The Princess Bride remake can see the light of day, The Lord will flatten all of humanity with fire and brimstone from on high, in His mercy," said a heavenly spokesperson. "Humanity will experience the sweet release of death rather than have to see someone try to remake the only perfect movie ever made."
"Seriously, trying to remake The Princess Bride? What's wrong with you people!"
After the announcement, even atheists were forced to admit that God is truly good to us. "I have finally seen the light," said Richard Dawkins as he repented in tears. "God is not a moral monster -- He is the very standard of goodness, truth, and justice."
Theologians further confirmed that since the invention of acts of mercy, there have only been five that were rated the most gracious, the most merciful. This one left them all behind.
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