SPRINGFIELD, MO — With the unexpected overnight release of her double album, megachurch worship leaders across the country scrambled to spend their weekends frantically learning new Taylor Swift songs for Sunday.
Though they had their set lists mapped out for this weekend's services, worship pastors at some of the country's largest churches immediately scrapped their plans to make sure they incorporated Swift's latest hits.
"Better stay up all night getting these new tracks down for Sunday," said Brock Dalton, worship pastor at No Cap Church. "Tay Tay did a number on us by dropping this album in the middle of the night on such short notice. But there's no way we can head into Sunday without learning these new songs. We'd be a laughing stock if we only played songs from her last album."
Members of No Cap Church were looking forward to having only the freshest T-Swizzle songs to sing. "Of course, we're all Swifties," said congregant Julie Kramer. "At our church, we're all about Jesus and Taylor Swift. But mostly Taylor Swift. And God. Aren't you glad God created Taylor Swift? Me too! What do you think the music in Heaven will be like? I bet it will be Taylor Swift music all the time. That's what we do here at church. The sermons are cool too, but new Tay music! Wooo!"
At publishing time, the lead pastor at No Cap Church was reportedly putting the finishing touches on his sermon "Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce: The Modern Picture of Christ and His Church."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
