Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has sent a clear message: there are things that are simply more important than securing the U.S. border. In fact, you may be surprised to learn just how long his list actually is.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of things Mike Johnson wants to fund before he even thinks about protecting the border:
- Impoverished Haitian cannibals: They can't even afford more nutritious grass-fed humans.
- Sean Hannity: If Sean isn't on the air to get the establishment talking points out there, who will?
- Crocheting classes for trans Syrian refugees: One of the most significant problems facing the country — and the world.
- Double-decker transcontinental bridge to Antarctica for the North American land snail: You don't want to live in a world where snails can't get to the South Pole, do you?
- $12 billion to remake The Princess Bride with puppets: Expecting this project to be privately funded is simply inconceivable.
- Unlimited research grant to find out why grass is green: This is the type of groundbreaking, life-altering research everyone needs.
- $8 billion to plant tiny little American flags in every pile of San Francisco sidewalk poop: We have to claim the poo before it gets taken over by the Chinese.
- Six Flags Over Ukraine amusement park: Nothing will help beleaguered, war-torn Ukrainians like riding a few rollercoasters.
- National shelter for abused and abandoned furries: Reach out today to adopt a furry of your own.
- Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan: Also, Russia, Gaza, and China. And every other country except for the United States.
Though the Speaker's office admitted that the list above is not exhaustive, it gives you a better idea of why it's taking so long to fortify the border. There's only so much U.S. taxpayer money to go around, and expecting it to go toward anything that helps people in the U.S. is just unreasonable.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
