ABOA RESEARCH STATION, ANTARCTICA—Researchers confirmed that the hot takes written in response to Donald Trump’s decision to exit the Paris Climate Accord have melted yet another ice cap.
“It’s like election night all over again,” climate scientist Robert Breckinson said. “If this continues, it could trigger a polar tipping point.”
In the moments immediately following President Trump’s announcement that he would withdraw the United States’ participation from the voluntary agreement, reporters took to the streets where many tore their clothes in anguish before heading back to their respective newsrooms.
“We Will All Die Tomorrow” The New York Times’s front page read. The Washington Post fingered Fox News as a “planetary threat” for featuring a guest who questioned the research behind global warming on the president’s favorite morning show “Fox & Friends” a day prior to Trump’s announcement.
Scientists say the heat radiating from the news articles chronicling Trump’s decision raised the earth’s temperature by nine degrees, resulting in the loss of a large polar ice cap. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” climate researcher Meredith Stevens said. “Ever since Donald Trump became a viable candidate we’ve noticed the hot takes have gotten 47 percent hotter. The South Pole just can’t take it much longer.”