WASHINGTON, DC — Amid protracted negotiations for the speakership in the House Of Representatives, former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (CA, R) has issued a stern admonition that further delay in the process could hold up the important work of continued funds for Ukraine.
"We have continued this charade for long enough – if I am not elected Speaker of the House in the next round of voting, we face the very real possibility of Ukraine not receiving their next $44 billion allowance." said McCarthy. "Zelensky is looking down from the sky with those dreamy eyes of his, waiting for us to do the right thing."
"Come on folks, the very incomes of Raytheon lobbyists are at stake!"
Congressman Dan Crenshaw voiced his support for McCarthy, saying: "If we continue to ignore our clear Constitutional mandate to pay for the armed enforcers shutting down Russian Orthodox churches across Ukraine, we are guilty of rank dereliction of duty. We were sent to the people's house to serve the Ukrainian people, not continue this partisan infighting over who should lead America's legislature."
Congresspeople interviewed after the speech reported a change of heart. "Kevin is right. Voters didn't send us to Washington for endless debate – we are here for pork, lobbyists, $1.7 trillion omnibus bills, and to secure Ukraine's border."
UPDATE: Congress has finally held another House Speaker vote, but accidentally voted to send $100 billion to Ukraine again. As of publishing time, no Speaker has yet been chosen.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
