WASHINGTON, D.C. — The conflict among congressional Republicans took yet another surprise twist today. After what had initially started as a throwaway nomination, the nation was left stunned as the position of Speaker of the House was unexpectedly filled by Jar Jar Binks.
"Meesa very honored to be takin' dis position of House Speaker," Binks said in his acceptance speech following the vote. "Weesa gonna achieve many bombad things for da American people."
After nominating other candidates like Andy Biggs, Jim Jordan, Byron Donalds, and even former President Donald Trump, the small group of Republican holdouts who refused to vote for Kevin McCarthy eventually ran out of options. "We were really just scraping the bottom of the barrel," said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, who led the charge against McCarthy. "Nominating Jar Jar was really just done out of boredom. In the end, we successfully kept the gavel out of Kevin McCarthy's hands, though we just exchanged someone from the D.C. Swamp for someone from the Gungan Swamp."
One unexpected part of the process was the bipartisan support Binks received, as several Democrats crossed the aisle and voted to elect the representative from Naboo. "I really feel a connection with him," said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "He speaks my language."
At publishing time, Speaker Binks was already lining up important meetings and promising committee memberships to key players. "As a humble servant, meesa gonna do what is best for the country," Binks said. "And weesa all know that means sending mooey mooey tax dollars to Ukraine."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
