U.S. — Former Congressman Adam Kinzinger's new job as a Senior Political Commentator for CNN is already off to a rocky start. According to sources, anchors were forced to cut to commercials for the 12th time today to give him time to finish crying.
"I'll say it before, and I'll say it again, Donald Trump murdered our holy democracy," he said as tears began to well up in his eyes. "Murdered it like a newborn puppy, or an orphan polar bear cub, or... or..." Kinzinger was unable to complete his sentence, as he was emotionally overcome by the tragic profundity of his own words.
"Ok, I think we're going to take a commercial break while Adam gathers himself," said Dana Bash, starting to get choked up herself. "He's obviously deeply moved by just how close we came to falling into a deep abyss of racist fascism. We'll be right back."
Insiders at CNN expressed skepticism about Kinzinger's new position as he hasn't been able to complete a single segment since he started a few days ago. "All he does is cry," said Executive Producer Harry Assment. "I really think there's something wrong with that guy."
Kinzinger is brushing off the criticism. "Stop making fun of me guys! I'm just really, really passionate about how much I hate Donald Tr... Tr... Tr... waaaaaaaa!"
Kinzinger's failed appearances are being mocked by several at Fox News, which, according to sources, led Kinzinger to cry some more.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
