RICHMOND, VA – Local parishioner Jacob Henderson has said he does not have time to read the Bible. However, according to sources close to the situation, Henderson listens to seven daily podcasts and has an audio Bible on his phone.
"I want to read it, I really do," said Jacob. "But between work, family, and listening to The Daily, Crime Junkie, Pod Save America, The Bill Simmons Podcast, This American Life, Morbid, The Ben Shapiro Show, Joe Rogan, Conan O'Brien, Hidden Brain, Radiolab, Revisionist History, and Basement Hobby Train Set Addict, there just aren't enough hours in the day!"
Friends and family of Mr. Henderson have attempted to intervene. "He literally walks around with headphones all day," said Harrison Smart, a childhood friend of Jacob's who attends the same church as the Hendersons. "Who even listens to Joe Rogan every day? They're like 3 hours each!"
Jacob remains committed to incorporating the Bible into his daily life. "I know that the Bible is good for my soul," said Jacob. "I just need to find a way to make it a priority." In the meantime, Jacob continues to find joy in his podcasts and other personal pursuits and remains optimistic that he will one day find time to delve into the Bible and enrich his spiritual life.
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In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: