WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Kevin McCarthy did not mince words following revelations this month of Biden family corruption from whistleblowers in the government. In a forceful statement, he assured constituents that if Biden commits several hundred more impeachable offenses, that will be the last straw.
"That's right: once Biden has committed at least 783 egregious acts of corruption, we will cut him off," said McCarthy. "We the American people cannot stand for this kind of unchecked criminality in the White House."
"No more crimes for you, pal!"
Sources confirmed that as more details emerge, Biden's list of impeachable offenses continues to grow. Republicans in Congress have assured the American people that they will be keeping tabs on this behavior to make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. "It's important to hold our leaders accountable, but also essential that we protect our reputations as team players here in Washington," added McCarthy. "There's nothing more important than being a team player, right guys?"
At publishing time, Republicans confirmed they will soon retaliate against the Bidens by dragging cabinet members before a committee so Jim Jordan can angrily furrow his brow at them.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.