LINCOLN, NE — According to multiple witnesses, hilarious comedienne Chelsea Handler burst into a family's living room to tell them she was totally happy being child-free and not at all miserable or anything.
The Sorenson family paused game night until she was finished yelling about how happy she was.
"Do you have a champagne room? I do, I bet you've never even tried champagne, you unhappy louts," slurred the comic most well-known for her talk show in which she said things passive-aggressively for an hour. "I'm free to indulge in my own pleasures all I want until a new therapist tells me to maybe back off a little!"
"Therapist hopping, now that's a lasting joy you lot will never understand," She continued.
Handler then motioned around at the family's house and loudly scoffed at the family photos, art on the fridge, and crayon markings on the wall then explained the tears they were seeing were from pure, childless elation and a little cocaine.
At publishing time, the Sorensons had invited Ms. Handler to make homemade ice cream and cookies with them which caused the top of the comedienne's skull to explode.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.