NARNIA — As the kingdom of Narnia continues to warm at an alarming rate, the White Witch issued a statement this morning blaming the troubling thaw on the recently arrived lion Aslan.
"Hot enough for you? Thank Aslan and those deplorable Pevensie children," snarled Jadis, the self-appointed Queen of Narnia. "For ages, we have kept our world safe thanks to my 'Always Winter, Never Christmas' policy, but now the delicate balance of nature in this frozen tundra is being upset thanks to the recklessness of Aslan and his followers! Signs of spring are everywhere! I saw a flower today! A FLOWER! This global warming must be stopped!"
The Queen has issued an edict demanding all subjects to radically change their lifestyles to avoid anything that may contribute to the great thaw and to not swear allegiance to Aslan or the Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea. Anyone found in violation of said order will be turned to stone. "This, along with increased taxes on all the creatures who live here, will ensure Narnia stays frozen for future generations," she said.
At publishing time, the Queen had been overthrown, leading her to blame her stolen kingdom on meddling from Mr. and Mrs. Beaver.
Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.