U.S. — Citizens of Earth gathered with their loved ones for what many believe may have been the last time and braced for the possible end of the world, as news arrived that the insidious cabal known as "MAGA Republicans" had convened in a hidden underground lair to finalize plans to turn the planet's temperature dial up three more notches.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" one man in a red MAGA baseball cap was heard bellowing at the secret meeting. "These people think they've experienced hot summer temperatures so far? Think again! There's more heat where that came from — a lot more! How much should we turn it up this time, my fellow MAGA Republicans?"
The man's nefarious cohorts all burst into horrifying laughter. "Let's just keep turning the heat up slowly on them like frogs in a pot of boiling water," said another man, who was clearly from a Red State and probably listened to Jason Aldean. "Hillary Clinton has blown our cover and let everyone know that we control Earth's thermostat, but it's already too late for them to do anything to stop us! Burn them! Burn them all!"
The evil horde of MAGA supporters exploded into another round of malicious celebration as they all agreed to once again make the weather just slightly warmer than normal for this time of year.
At publishing time, an unsuspecting man sitting on a park bench on a beautiful summer day in an American suburb dabbed his forehead gently, becoming yet another sad victim of MAGA Republicans' terrifying plot to make the weather hot in July.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
