WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a joint press conference with Trade Federation representatives, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas assured the nation that wave after wave of transport ships descending to the surface of the planet carrying heavily-armed battle droids is "definitely not an invasion."
"There's no reason for anyone to be concerned about the landing craft that are disgorging hover tanks that are then executing pincer movements around American cities," said Mayorkas. "The droids in those tanks are merely seeking jobs, health care, and a better life for their families."
When asked about reports of destroyer droids rolling through American cities and shooting everything that moves, Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray responded indignantly, "The term ‘destroyer droid' is an oppressive relic of white supremacy. We prefer the term ‘cuddle droid,' and they have every right to roll wherever they want in search of jobs and health care. This talk about shooting things is just a distraction from the real enemy, Kyle Rittenhouse."
Mayorkas concluded by saying, "An invasion would be something unwelcome. This is completely different. Any community should be happy to welcome these newcomers, who will help to mow our lawns and wash our cars and only occasionally blow stuff up."
Asked for comment, Governor Sio Bibble said, "This is ridiculous. Of course, it's an invasion. I mean, there was a communications disruption, which can mean only one thing: invasion!"
Experts, however, disputed his comments, pointing out that communications disruptions can be caused by a variety of things, from spotty cell phone service to driving under an overpass, but yes, also, sometimes an invasion.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
