WORLD—Mass panic broke out Saturday morning as a Rapture alert was sent out to cell phone networks all across the world, indicating that Jesus’s return was imminent and that any unsaved persons should “get right with God” immediately.
The alert was reportedly sent out my mistake by angelic emergency alert personnel, who quickly issued a retraction as soon as the error was discovered. Panicked citizens frantically took shelter in storm drains culverts, sewer manholes, and Baptist churches in the harrowing 38 minutes before the correction was sent out, according to sources from around the world.
“An angel newly assigned to our Rapture alert department simply pushed the wrong button during a routine test,” a solemn Michael the archangel said in a press conference. “He was supposed to select ‘Test rapture alert’ from a drop-down menu on a computer program, but clicked on ‘Rapture alert’ instead.”
“We apologize for any anguish this may have caused,” he added.
Christians from around the world called and texted their loved ones goodbye after the first, fake alert was sent out, while thousands of excited dispensationalists posted messages online saying things like “So long, suckers!” and “Enjoy the next seven years of tribulation, heathens!”