PASADENA, CA—In a move to codify and standardize methods and tactics used when engaging opposing viewpoints both online and in person, liberal theologians gathered at Fuller Theological Seminary over the weekend to approve and publish a brand-new guide for arguing with people who disagree with liberal theology.
“We’ve seen thousands of liberals wasting their time by arguing around and around with conservative theologians, honestly engaging their viewpoints, when they could have just followed our guide and shut the argument down right at the start,” Dr. Xander Willis said at the meeting before the liberal theologians gathered voted unanimously to approve the guide. “You can win any theological argument in seconds by following these simple steps.”
The guide is reproduced in part below:
- Does the person believe homosexuality is a sin? —> Call them a homophobe —> You win!
- Does the person believe the Bible is inerrant? —> Call them narrow-minded —> You win!
- Does the person believe in complementarianism? —> Call them a misogynist —> You win!
- Does the person believe Jesus is the only way to heaven? —> Call them intolerant —> You win!
- Does the person believe transsexuals need to repent and believe in Jesus? —> Call them transphobic —> You win!
- Did the person voice an opinion which criticizes your beliefs? —> Call them a bully —> You win!
The guide also included helpful terms to use in any situation, claiming the words and phrases can get a liberal Christian out of almost any jam when cornered in an argument or criticized online:
According to sources, millions of liberal believers almost instantly began using the guide upon its publication.