MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — Anticipating further migrant deliveries from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the leadership of Martha's Vineyard has begun constructing Planned Parenthood facilities on the affluent island. Residents of the Democratic stronghold say they support the move and are grateful for "Planned Parenthood's long history of supporting minorities by keeping their population under control."
"Planned Parenthood has always supported giving minority populations a choice of whether to have babies, and you can't argue with our results – we're #1, bar none, in helping minority women ‘choose'!" Planned Parenthood Alexis McGill Johnson gave exaggerated air quotes around the word "choose" when speaking to reporters, winking broadly to ensure they understood what she meant by "choose." "We always say that abortion restrictions ‘disproportionately affect women of color,' so you know who our target market is – we're proud to introduce our services in Martha's Vineyard to help with their little ‘problem!'"
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has weighed in as well, saying that Planned Parenthood is second-to-none when it comes to exterminating minorities and that restricting Planned Parenthood from providing services to Martha's Vineyard would be tantamount to white supremacy. When challenged with proof that Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger was a eugenicist white supremacist, AOC clapped back with courage, saying Sanger "was factually a ‘white supremacist' but morally an advocate for minorities, whereas pro-life groups are factually an advocate for minorities but morally white supremacists."
At publishing time, the residents of Martha's Vineyard were at a celebration breaking ground on the new construction for the facility, crying about how grateful they were to be able to bring joy and abortions to enrich the culture of the rising population of immigrants in their city.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.