HUGER, SC — A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest. The Marines, who traveled in a tactical column, were allegedly on a mission to locate, close with, and recover the F-35 fighter jet that went missing Sunday evening.
"No contact," [redacted] whispered after stopping to listen for the 249th time. Sources confirm the missing F-35 never beeped in response to signals from the key fob, even if the unit leader did that thing where he tried to place it under his chin to use his head as a natural antenna to magnify its wireless range.
The marine rifle team, led by [redacted], has thus far been unable to find [redacted]. "We have [redacted] that cannot fall into the wrong hands," said [redacted].
Questions still surround the disappearance of the advanced fighter jet. Why did the pilot eject from a plane that was clearly not crashing? Why can't they locate it via transponder? Was radar just not being used that day for some reason? No, really, don't those things have GPS on them or something? Where could it have possibly gone? Was it aliens? It was aliens, right?
Officials at the Pentagon could not be reached for comment.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
