MINNEAPOLIS, MN—During local man Derrick Peterson’s morning Bible reading in the book of Romans, the man’s head tragically and spontaneously exploded, sources confirmed Thursday.
Investigators are attributing the tragedy to the intense, soul-thrilling theology contained in the book, which has been known to blow people’s minds since it was written by the Apostle Paul.
A neighbor had spotted Peterson through a front window, sitting at his kitchen table with a shocked expression on his face, exclaiming things like “Oh man, this is insane!” and “Incredible! Absolutely bonkers!” as he read through several chapters of the book for his morning devotional.
Shortly after reading verse 33 of Chapter 11, “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable are his ways!” a sudden, powerful explosion blew the man’s head clean off his shoulders, according to sources.
“This is the fortieth incident of spontaneous human combustion in relation to attempting to digest the beauty of Paul’s theology in the book of Romans this year alone,” lead investigator Carl Ingram said. “Please be careful when reading any of the Pauline epistles, but especially Romans.”
“And for the love of all that is holy, please don’t try to take in more than a few verses in one sitting. That’s a recipe for an exploded mind,” he added.
Future printings of the Bible will now contain warnings throughout the book of Romans as a precaution, with prominent danger notices in the areas of chapters eight and nine, sources confirmed.
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