BLUE EYE, MO - In a stern warning to anti-Trumpers nationwide, televangelist Jim Bakker warned on his show Tuesday that all six people who are somehow still following him will "come out of the shadows" and start a civil war if President Trump happens to be impeached.

"If [Trump is impeached], I predict that every single one of the half-dozen people who still pay attention to me will rise up, and there will be a civil war in the United States of America," said the prosperity gospel fixture from the 1980s, whose sex scandals and subsequent five-year prison sentence for fraud and conspiracy revealed him to be a charlatan to everyone on earth except roughly five or six people, depending on the day.

"I'll tell you what - if my mistresses were to join in, that number would easily double, and then the liberals would have a real fight on their hands," he added ominously.

Bakker went on to assure his listeners that a global catastrophe was near, explaining that they needed to immediately purchase the Jim Bakker Tasty Deluxe End Times Nachos Plus Dessert Bucket, which contains 14,789 servings and has a shelf life of 60 years, for a donation of only $7,900.