DENVER, CO — Local man Dave Johnson has long suffered from the fear that everyone will one day realize he's not really qualified for his job. As it turns out, those fears were totally justified as Mr. Johnson is completely awful at his job and everyone has figured it out.
"Yeah, Dave has absolutely no business being in the role he's in," said manager Doug Swanson. "He isn't fooling anyone."
Over the past few years, Mr. Johnson has continually fought the sneaking suspicion that he was terrible at his job. "I just feel thoroughly inadequate," said Mr. Johnson. "It seems like everyone around me knows exactly what they're doing, and I'm just flailing around. I know it's just imposter syndrome, but it's hard not to feel like I'm a screw-up."
According to Dave's boss Mr. Marsh, Dave is, in fact, a complete screw-up. "Dave is the worst," said Mr. Marsh. "He is thoroughly inadequate at his job. Literally everyone else in the building knows what to do, and he's just flailing around like a baby duck. It's so embarrassing to watch."
At publishing time, Mr. Johnson had been asked to meet with his boss at the end of the day. "I'm scared he's going to fire me, but I know that's just the old imposter syndrome creeping in!" said Dave, who was indeed about to be fired.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
