LASIK Surgeon Offering ‘Total Blindness’ Option For Pride Month
U.S. · May 27, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

ROANOKE, VA — LASIK Surgeon Dr. Adam Slade has begun offering a new "Total Blindness" option to help people get through Pride Month.

"The demand for blindness is just off the charts right now," said Dr. Slade. "I literally can't blind people fast enough."

According to clinic staff, patients have described the procedure as a "miracle", and regret not being blinded sooner. "The patients are so, so thankful to be blind," said head nurse Savannah Gutierrez. "Everyone comes back the next day with their seeing-eye dog, just grinning ear to ear. 'I can't see a thing, Doc,' they say, and often hug me. It's incredibly rewarding".

Dr. Slade began offering the "Total Blindness" option last June after previous LASIK patients during Pride Month demanded he reverse the procedure. "I had one patient after another come back seeing 20/20, but asking me to just gouge their eyes out," explained Dr. Slade. "That's when I realized blindness was the best gift I could offer to humanity. It's what gets me up in the morning."

At publishing time, nearby ENT doctors had begun advertising a "Total Deafness" option for Presidential primary season.


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