LINCOLN, NE — J.D. Beutler, local patent lawyer and father of daughters, was seen returning home from Battalion Bazaar Army Surplus with a full hazmat suit, a titanium-lined drain auger, and an unwavering gleam in his eye as he prepared to clean the shower drain.
Witnesses reported Beutler sending his tearful family to the safety of his in-laws' before entering the noxious wasteland known to locals as "The Kids' Bathroom."
"Come on you filthy, crinigerous interloper, be gone with you!" Yelled Beutler through the full-body personal protective equipment as he battled to pull the fetid ball of slime, hair, and little elastic bands from its mildew-strewn lair. "Is that all you've got?"
After what seemed like days wrestling the putrid clog, Beutler paused and backed away, having felt the hair clog budge. To his alarm, the slurping, pungent obstruction rose from the drain on its own, towering over him in a sickening, monstrous form, and spoke.
AT LONG LAST, I, THE DRAIN-O-GORGON, AM SET FREE...
Bolstered by an unbreakable love for his daughters as well as a desire for them to not have to use his shower, Beutler charged, dodging tentacles interwoven with fingernail clippings and hair clips in a fight to contain the swampy form.
Battle-worn, bruised, and having filled his hazmat suit with sweat and only a little bit of pee, J.D. Beutler overtook the Drain-o-gorgon and, with an intense feeling of triumph, forced the monster out of the tub and into his Paranormal Elimination Proton Pack (50% off at Battalion Bazaar).
But as the creature disappeared into permanent confinement, the Drain-o-gorgon issued a final warning:
YOU WILL NEVER FULLY BE RID OF ME, FATHER OF DAUGHTERS...WE SHALL MEET AGAIN IN ABOUT THREE MONTHS' TIME, SOONER IF YOU HOST A SLEEPOVER...
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
