GEHENNA — An eternity of torment began in earnest as a man was welcomed to Hell with an icebreaker game. Sources say the game started upon his arrival and shows no signs of ending.
"Hi! Welcome to Hell! I'm Brad," said Brad, the icebreaker game organizer for Hell. "Let's play a little game to get to know each other a little bit!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" cried new arrival Davis, a 20-year employee of the Federal Reserve. "Sweet heavens, no. Oh, eternal fire and torment I was expecting, but not this. Not this! Please! Anything but this!"
"If you could be any animal, what would it be?" asked Brad through the roaring flames of torment.
"What? I hate these kinds of games!" Davis said.
"Would you rather meet your great-great-great-great grandfather or your great-great-great-great grandson?" Brad followed up.
"Stop! Stop it! I've had enough already!" Davis shouted.
"Would you rather be the smartest or the funniest person in the room?" replied Brad.
"No! Make it stop! Set me on fire! Please! I'd rather be set on fire!" Davis shrieked.
Davis was then led away down a dark, terrifying cave as questions continued to be asked, with only his painful screams being heard after he disappeared into the darkness.
At publishing time, Davis was finally given a break to attend Hell's hourly diversity training seminar.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
