U.S. — With Biden having failed to make a public appearance for 5 days, reports from across the country indicate Americans everywhere are kinda wondering if the President of the United States and leader of the free world is actually still alive or not.
When asked for comment, several citizens have stated: "We won't be mad if you'll just tell us, but it would be pretty cool to know if the President's heart is still beating — just curious, you know."
"Yeah, no biggie, but it would be kinda swell to know if we actually still have a leader who is alive," commented Charles Guy, a random dude on the street. "I mean, no pressure or anything. Just kinda interested, that's all."
"Oh, yeah, is Biden still around?" asked Rosemary Quill, another American citizen. "Like… is he still breathing? I guess it's nothing to get stuffy over or anything — I've always been a tad inquisitive though. But really, though…is he?"
While tweets from the President's official X (formerly Twitter) account continue to assert that President Biden is still conscious, functioning, and capable of running the United States, no one seems to be able to provide any valid proof of life, like photographic evidence of Biden with a current newspaper. Americans remain "mildly curious."
At publishing time, US citizens had upgraded their interest in Biden's whereabouts and safety to "modestly concerned."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
