NORFOLK, VA — Local man Jason Thompson pondered heavily this morning whether to burn his eyeballs with an old car cigarette lighter or to watch Love, Actually.
"It's a tough call," said Thompson, staring at the glowing red coils. "I could apply an outdated car cigarette lighter directly to my eyes, causing the most excruciating pain imaginable as well as permanent blindness... or, I could watch Love Actually. Decisions, decisions."
At a loss as to what to choose, Thompson decided to make a list of all the pros and cons. He carefully detailed the extensive repercussions of frying his own corneas, including the estimated time of hospitalization, expected surgeries, and a lifetime of disability. "But on the flip side, I wouldn't have to watch Love, Actually," murmured Thompson. "Man, this is a predicament."
Thompson briefly considered only scorching one eyeball, but quickly dismissed the idea as foolish. "I'd still be able to see most of the movie. It's both eyeballs or bust," said Thompson, rolling the decades-old cigarette lighter around in his hand. "Boy, those coils are hot."
At publishing time, Thompson had considered that even with burned eyeballs, he would still be able to hear the dialogue, and so began considering rupturing his own eardrums with an ice pick.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
