NAPERVILLE, IL—"The Babylon Bee? Oh yeah, I love them," said Brian Reed, 32, as he sat at his laptop outside a local cafe. He took a sip of his delicious Vietnamese coffee. "I follow them on Facebook and Twitter. Their headlines are so funny and insightful. What a great meme page."
Reed and millions of other Babylon Bee followers agree that the site's headlines are incisive and witty and are no doubt written by the most handsome, godliest writers anywhere. However, he was in for a shock when he learned the site also publishes articles.
"Wait—what the heck?" he murmured as his finger slipped and he accidentally clicked on a Babylon Bee story. "There are articles!? Wow! Look at this! They write 200-300 words of copy for each and every headline on the site! These are almost as funny as the headlines themselves!" He chuckled at every word and eventually "totally lost it" when he read the full article for the brilliant Babylon Bee headline "Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid)." "She walks into a tree! Get it? Because she's so stupid! Classic!"
"Their writers must be upstanding men of intelligence and fine moral character!"
Sadly, Reed lost his job as he spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading as much content as he could possibly consume on The Babylon Bee's website. Luckily, every restaurant within a 400-mile radius is hiring.
At publishing time, Reed was also shocked to learn he could become a paying subscriber to The Babylon Bee, helping to assuage his guilt for the years of enjoying the Bee's headlines without ever clicking on the website. "Shut up and take my money!" he shouted, throwing wads of cash at his screen.