FORT WAYNE, IN — Local man Garrett Benton has officially spent half of his annual salary paying other people to do the manly things he wishes he could do himself.
"There's an actual dollar amount that expresses what a lousy excuse for a man I am," said Mr. Benton, looking at his bank statement. "And it's a huge number. I'm literally paying to be utterly emasculated. The shame!"
According to his wife, Mr. Benton's descent into embarrassing weakness first began with paying to have someone else mow the lawn. "He gave some excuse about the dollar amount he could make at work versus what it cost to have the grass cut, but all I know is that's when I stopped respecting him as a man," said Mrs. Benton. "It just snowballed from there. He pays for oil changes, landscaping, fixing doorknobs, and even money management. It's humiliating."
Though currently unable to look at himself in the mirror, Mr. Benton states he is on the road to redemption. "The other day, I replaced the staples in the stapler instead of buying a new one - and it was so empowering!" said Mr. Benton. "One day, I'd just like to be able to make eye contact again with my father-in-law. I haven't looked directly at his face since the day I called him to chase a mouse out of the garage. It's been a long seven years."
At publishing time, Mr. Benton had regained a small modicum of manliness after burning the crap out of a steak instead of having a steakhouse cook it for him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
