Las Vegas, NV—After a night of shameful, drunken debauchery and all kinds of unspeakable sins, 38-year-old stockbroker Dylan Snyder awoke Monday afternoon in an unfamiliar Vegas hotel room with the consoling knowledge that his future deathbed testimony was going to be that much more amazing. As he unsteadily rose from a pool of his own dried vomit and began to recount the disgusting events he was able to remember from the night before, he reportedly took great comfort in the fact that he would have an even more radical salvation story that would surely be retold for years to come.
“Yeah, it was pretty messed up. God is going to get so much [expletive] glory when I finally repent, as I am on the brink of death. He’s lucky to eventually have me on his side, that’s for sure,” Snyder told sources over several cups of coffee and a plate of eggs he was too ill to touch. “My conversion is going to make all those church-kid testimonies look totally lame by comparison.”
The young, successful stockbroker, who has reportedly planned his deathbed conversion since his early 20s, went on to brag about what he could remember from the previous evening, which included excessive drinking, drug use, fornication, coarse language, various lusts, and extreme hardness of heart. Most of his interview is not fit for publication.
Snyder also revealed that before this week is over, he aims to commit at least two dozen more grievous trespasses against the Creator of the universe, “to the eventual glory of God.”
Snyder admits it’s hard to be exact, but he is guessing his dramatic, last-minute conversion will occur approximately 43 years from now, just before he expires from natural causes.