OMAHA, NE — Local man Byron Hardin achieved opulence beyond the greatest of medieval royalty after adding some black pepper to his box of Kraft mac and cheese.
"Never could Henry VII have imagined such extravagance," said medieval historian Leopold Heartstaff. "The dinner consumed by Mr. Hardin has put the finest feasts of Charlemagne to shame."
Mr. Hardin had purchased the box of Kraft mac and cheese from a local Family Fare Supermarket, for the nominal price of $1.99.
"The collection of foods Mr. Hardin perused at Family Fare Supermarket would be incomprehensible to medieval royalty," explained Mr. Heartstaff. "To have literally thousands of different types of foods available for purchase, whenever you please, would seem like a trick of pure wizardry. Mr. Hardin smashed through all sorts of royal fantasies as he selected oil shipped from Italy, fruits from South America, and the delightful box of macaroni."
Never one to skimp on seasoning, that evening Mr. Hardin added a healthy sprinkle of black pepper to his freshly cooked macaroni, bringing forth remarkable flavors. "It really hit the spot," reported Mr. Hardin, as he finished eating off of a perfectly textured ceramic dish with fine, shining silverware. He then proceeded to eat ice cream out of his own freezer, displaying a level of decadence that makes Louis XIV look like a hobo.
At publishing time, Mr. Hardin had reportedly enjoyed a new level of ridiculous profligacy, having taken a shower in a constant stream of warm water.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
