HOUSTON, TX - As a dedicated Christian who believes in following the Bible, Charlie Schafer has been spending the past few days desperately combing through scripture, searching for just one verse that will support his beliefs. 

Schafer says he has recently felt a calling in his heart to become grotesquely wealthy and live a comfortable, materialistic lifestyle. While he has heard from several prominent Christian leaders that this is not only acceptable, but admirable, he has run into several scriptural obstacles along the way. Ninety-nine of them, to be precise.

Strangely, verses such as Luke 6:24, 1 Timothy 3:3, and Matthew 19:24, among others, all seem to very clearly say the exact opposite of what Schafer wants to believe. 

"I believe in the Bible, so every doctrine must be supported by scripture, or else I won't believe it!" says Schafer, a long-time attendee at Plankwood Church. "That's why it's been so frustrating to find almost a hundred verses that contradict my beliefs! But I'm confident that if I keep searching, I'll eventually find at least one verse that says what I want it to. And then I'll be able to safely assume that all those other verses were simply being interpreted out of context."

After much searching, Schafer was relieved to finally stumble upon Jeremiah 29:11, which states that God has "plans to prosper you." 

"Some might say that this verse was referencing a covenant God had made with a specific group of people during a specific period of time, and was never intended as a blanket statement about every Christian's life being financially prosperous and comfortable," Schafer says, "but I'm just gonna go with it!"

At publishing time, Schafer had also found Matthew 4:9, and expressed plans to throw a lavish party and barbecue a fatted calf in celebration.