VAN NUYS, CA—While reading through the Sermon on the Mount Tuesday morning, local man Kent Carson was absolutely devastated to learn that he probably won’t be able to bring his massive library of Steam games with him into heaven.
He read the words “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth” and started to get a sinking feeling in his stomach.
“I guess that includes all 282 of the games I own on Steam,” he muttered to himself. “There’s probably not an exception for games like Left 4 Dead or Counter-Strike, which I’ve sunk hundreds of hours into, huh? Oh man.”
“Surely God will let me bring the Arkham Asylum series? I’m pretty sure that’s in the Pauline epistles somewhere,” he added hopefully.
The man then browsed through his extensive collection of games, fondly recalling memories like the times he played Half-Life 2: Deathmatch late into the night, throwing barrels and toilets at other players with the Gravity Gun, or the time he fainted after playing Fallout: New Vegas for three days without getting up to eat or drink. “I’ll miss you, Modern Warfare 2. And you, Unreal Tournament. You guys are the best.”
At publishing time, sources had been able to confirm that he purchased most of his Steam library just because the games were on sale and has never played the vast majority of the games he owns.