BROWNSVILLE, NY — According to sources, local man Porter Caldwell was completely cured of his clinical depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders after his doctor issued him a prescription for a 7,541-piece Millennium Falcon LEGO set.
The man, who had struggled on and off with depressive thoughts and crippling anxiety, claims to have been freed of all symptoms after following the doctor's orders and assembling the massive starship out of LEGO bricks.
"It's incredible," Caldwell said as he snapped the last of six heat exhaust vents on the stern of the YT-1300 Corellian freighter. "I was in a really dark place, but Dr. Benson really hooked me up with the good stuff." The 39-year-old upstate New York native had explored many different treatment options for his degrading mental health, but had never been prescribed LEGO or even experimented with LEGO recreationally.
"Man — I feel like a million bucks. I can't believe I put off seeking medical intervention for so long. I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself."
Clinical trials of the LEGO treatment have shown promise for years, but only recently has the experimental drug been approved for use on humans. Studies have shown the treatment to be over 97% effective, particularly in modestly out-of-shape males in the midst of a midlife crisis in which they are attempting to recapture the halcyon days of youth. Dr. Jonas P. Benson of the Brownsville Psychiatric Institute says he's seen LEGO work wonders: "Caldwell and others like him finally have hope," Benson told reporters. "Instead of being prescribed a complex cocktail of psychoactive stimulants and SSRIs, they can instead simply browse Amazon and pick up the Minas Tirith LEGO set for just $649.99, or a tried-and-true form of the therapy, such as the pirate-themed Eldorado Fortress on the used market."
For milder forms of depression, patients can even seek over-the-counter LEGO, such as the Back To The Future LEGO Speed Champions set for under $30, or the NINJAGO-themed Kai's Dragon Mech Battle Pack. Generic versions are also available for those on Medicaid or without insurance, such as MEGA BLOKS, though side effects of MEGA BLOKS may include people seeing you in public with them and realizing you are poor.
At publishing time, Caldwell had sought treatment for addiction to the new drug, as he found himself spending over $2,000 on LEGO every month.
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