WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation facing its highest gas prices in years, the Trump administration assured Americans that it is but a small price to pay for accomplishing nothing in Iran.
Though thousands of Americans have been forced to take out reverse mortgages to fill their cars with gas, White House officials insisted that citizens must be prepared to make sacrifices in order to achieve zero strategic objectives.
"We understand that people are experiencing real pain at the pump — but losing half of your discretionary income is a small cost for us to achieve nothing in Iran," the White House said in a statement. "When you look at the price of gas, remember this is the price you pay to not fully dislodge the regime, fail to secure Iran's enriched uranium, be unable to open the Strait of Hormuz, or successfully safeguard our allies from further attacks. Always consider those lack of accomplishments when you are selling a portion of your liver to fill up your truck with gas."
Americans responded by rallying around the administration, eager to make the sacrifice for no particular gain. "It's the least I can do so that we can meander about the Gulf, not realizing any goals," said local man Stan Martin. "It was sad, selling my dog to be able to pay for a tank of gas. But I hold my head high, knowing it's helping America not gain anything."
At publishing time, the White House also insisted that leaving the Strait of Hormuz in Iran's control was a small price to pay to keep negotiating about who controls the Strait of Hormuz.
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