GRAND ISLAND, NE—Late Tuesday, homeowner Dan Solomon made the mistake of accidentally inviting the armies of hell into his mortal body. Solomon’s wife Reeda reports that the possession took place just as Mr. Solomon finished fixing a leak under their kitchen sink. As he attempted to slide out from beneath the u-pipe, he inadvertently performed the “downward dog” Yoga pose. Immediately, a horde of demons took up residence in the accountant and father of two.
Satanic slave Mr. Solomon has spent the last two nights prancing around Pier Park, wearing only striped yoga pants and a matching headband, according to sources. Local police have received numerous complaints about the limber demoniac’s hours-long headstands performed at all hours of the night while screaming, “Darkness! Darkness!” Additionally, several small pets have been reported missing in the area.
Still distraught over her husband becoming a flesh-puppet for the evil forces of the netherworld, Mrs. Solomon, flanked by a drooling Mr. Solomon at a Friday press conference, warned, “I just want people to become more aware. Even though the modern, westernized practice of ‘Yoga as exercise’ would be unidentifiable to any religious Hindu, and despite the fact that its origins were likely only attributed to Eastern spiritual practices for marketing purposes, there is still real danger in performing any Yoga position, be it for exercise or home improvement.”
“We do the bidding of our master!” Mr. Solomon interrupted, rolling out a yoga mat and putting his foot behind his head.