U.S. - The lockdowns in the U.S. have been deemed a success at stopping the spread of COVID by public health experts, as Americans are now so obese they can't even fit out their doors to spread COVID.
Medical experts are claiming that a full 94% of Americans are now wider than their front doorway and thus are unable to go outside and get to dangerous gatherings like indoor concerts, sporting events, and church services. Therefore, the experts are claiming the lockdowns were very effective at stopping the spread of COVID.
"Yeah, we Americans are, like, huge now," said Dr. Hank Binkowski, a researcher at MIT, as he scarfed down an entire bag of Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs. "So, like, we can't even get out the door -- not even if we grease it with butter. Which is good for society: everyone in their homes, no one interacting, everyone just getting all fat and depressed and stuff. Basically, everybody is huge now, and that's a good thing."
(The one exception to this increase in obesity, according to the CDC, is your mom, who was already massive.)
Sadly, because of the lockdowns, Americans are now much more vulnerable to COVID as they are huge, so experts are calling for another round of lockdowns to protect the Americans made fat by the first round of lockdowns.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
