Theology
Woman Who Scoffs At Your Religion Still Checking Her Horoscope Every Day

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to Patricia Lyles, a local woman who hates the concept of religion and thinks you are foolish to believe there is a God out there somewhere, she is still checking her horoscope to see how the stars will direct her path every day.

"I just think it's silly to think there's some divine plan from a God somewhere," she said as she took a BuzzFeed quiz to see what kind of Scorpio she was, based on her choice of smoothie at Jamba Juice. "We are free creatures, and there is no sovereign God with any kind of plan for my life."

Having been freed from the shackles of God and religion, Lyles is now able to spend more time consulting star charts, tarot decks, crystal balls, and palm readings to determine the course of action for her life, down to the last minute detail.

"I can't believe people still believe in God in the current year," she said, chuckling.

"Also, celestial bodies can help me determine what kind of toilet paper to buy. Looks like the constellations are telling me it's single-ply for Scorpios this month."

She also makes sure to check her daily Enneagram thought.


Babylon Bee subscriber Payton McNabb contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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