KRONENWETTER, WI — While printing out coloring pages for his kids, local man Struthers Gabblestein found himself buying a new computer game that he will have time to play when he retires at age 85.
As the game was installed, Gabblestein daydreamed of endless hours spent at his PC, losing himself in Elden Ring's intricately developed fantasy world full of quests, lore, and action, when he is a frail retiree on death's door.
"I'm so pumped to play this in 50 years!" said Gabblestein as he added the opened game case to a queue of 137 other unopened games, including Halo Infinite, Forza Horizon 5, and Skyrim: Deluxe Bonified Ultra Upended Wireless Edition. "I haven't been this excited to play a video game decades from now since I picked up that other game last week."
When asked how he found the time to watch over 30 hours of in-depth reviews and gameplay of Elden Ring on YouTube, Gabblestein replied with a shrug that he did that while he was at work.
At publishing time, Gabblestein had died at age 84.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
