WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Amazon founder and multi-billionaire Jeff Bezos still hasn't purchased a failing social media platform.

What a LOSER!

With Elon Musk purchasing Twitter, Kanye West purchasing Parler, and Trump owning Truth Social, many analysts are wondering when Bezos will get with the program and buy Telegram or maybe Gettr like a proper billionaire.

"Come on guys," said Bezos in response to the criticism. "I own lots of other companies! I own the Washington Post! I made Rings of Power on Amazon!"

Unfortunately, the remainder of his statement was drowned out in a chorus of jeers and laughter.

"Come on guys, stop it! The Washington Post is real news! And Forbes called the Rings of Power a masterpiece! I'm a big deal, goshdarnit!" cried Bezos before being pelted with rotten cabbages and stuffed in a locker.

At publishing time, billionaire Bill Gates had confirmed his social network where you can chat live with Windows technical support in India now boasts 1,000 users.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.