Local Library Introduces Controversial Drag Racing Story Hour
Worldviews · Dec 5, 2019 · BabylonBee.com

GAINESVILLE, FL - Last Tuesday, families gathered for Drag Racing Story Hour, put on weekly at the  Alachua County Library by the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA). But local mother, Nance Schmidt couldn't help but feel as though placing her six year-old son, Devin, in the middle of a 1,000 ft racecourse with two fire-spewing top fuel dragsters running him down at speeds in excess of 300 mph, might make her a bad parent. 

"I mean I know this is the hip new thing, and I'm as PC as the next gal," said Schmidt tearing up in an interview, "but are we just exploiting and endangering our children so that we can pat ourselves on the back and fit in with a culture rapidly spiraling out of control at the hands of extremists?"

The taxpayer-funded event was started by famed racer, Craig Sanderson, stage-name: "Blower Burnout" as a way of exposing young children to drag in hopes of enforcing empathy and acceptance while teaching them that cars can be whatever they want them to be. 

"There's no better way to introduce the kiddies to this sport than by tossing them in the middle of the track so they can feel the rumble of 100 mph acceleration in 0.8 seconds and smell the burning of rubber and fuel," said Burnout, who found himself in legal trouble last year after running over four kids and exposing his tailpipe to a classroom of kindergarteners.  

Concerned parents say that attending such events can be harmful to the impressionable minds of children, mostly by splattering them across the pavement. 

"Now I have no problem if grown adults want to drag race in the privacy of their own homes," said Rick Jenkins, "But my Benjy doesn't need to know about floppers and oildowns. Let kids be kids." 

Progressive mother, Angelica Johnson-Ford disagrees, "My son has been going to these events since he was five years-old, and now at the age of seven, we let him drag race my husband's car around the block. It's perfectly safe." 

Johnson-Ford's son, Brandon, has had eight concussions and has driven the car through the living room twice. The child claims that he wants to be a businessman, but sources indicate that his mother withholds affection from him unless he dresses in flame-retardant jumpsuits and a helmet.


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