SACRED LAND - Elizabeth Warren revealed today that when she becomes president she will bring global warming to an end within five minutes. How would she do it? A simple rain dance, Warren claims.
The dance - one of many ritual dances Warren has known since childhood - begins with the lighting of a small fire. Warren then dances around the fire for about five minutes, and boom, global warming is over - forever.
"I start by giving 'em one of these right here," Warren said, raising her hands to the sky while jogging in place. "Then I glide around this fire here, see how I'm moving so swiftly from left to right as I do it? Yeah, that's it."
Warren began to sweat a little, but that didn't seem to faze her. She did, however, end the dance about a minute early. Warren's aide - a young white man - told us if she were to complete the dance there would be no point in voting for her because global warming would cease right there and then. This would deem her, once again, irrelevant.
Warren told us once she completed the dance, spirits would awaken to the sound of her shaman's rattle. The spirits would then descend from the sky and go scalp every conservative on Earth. Warren claimed she would personally scalp evil fascist Republican Donald Trump. "That should do the trick," Warren said with a smile.