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Lioness Who Killed, Ate Own Cubs Hired As Planned Parenthood Mascot

LEIPZIG—Kigali the lioness has been hailed as a women's rights advocate after she killed and ate her own cubs.

Planned Parenthood immediately jumped at the opportunity to leverage Kigali's popularity, offering her a job as the organization's mascot.

Kigali will appear in ads encouraging women to have as many abortions as they want and be available to counsel young ladies thinking about getting abortions.

"Imagine how inconvenient those two cubs would be if I'd kept them around---ugh," she said in a speech in front of Planned Parenthood's New York offices, with a lion from a local American zoo translating from her native German. "I'm now free to center my life around myself, having killed those two little unwelcome leeches."

She made it clear that the two cubs she killed weren't actually lions, per se, but just "clumps of cells" since she hadn't subjectively decided they were living beings yet. "As soon as I decided to terminate them, they became nothing more than parasites."

The lioness said she plans on sleeping around with other lions and killing and eating some more cubs, should she get pregnant. "My cubs, my choice."


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