MINNETONKA, MN — Local boy Linus Van Pelt has been permanently banned from the local community theater, after an episode in which he commandeered a play rehearsal and began reciting from the Bible.
"It's a classic case that shows the dangers of Christian Nationalism," said FBI Agent Peter Corrum. "You let one little twerp with a blanket use public property to quote from the Bible, next thing you know, they'll be throwing Buddhists off the roof and birth control will be illegal. Tale as old as time."
The incident happened during a rehearsal for a Christmas play, under the direction of a possible co-conspirator named Charlie Brown. "We believe that Mr. Brown may have set the whole thing up just to allow this Linus kid to proselytize on government grounds," said Mr. Corrum. "Linus reportedly abandoned his blankie, just like he abandoned the separation of church and state, during his speech. We at the FBI will see to it this never occurs again."
At publishing time, the FBI had reportedly confiscated Linus's blanket for "enhanced interrogation."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
