U.S. — Democrats have dedicated themselves to finding a new social media platform that will agree to censor damaging stories coming about how they used other social media platforms to censor damaging stories.
"We really can't let news about us censoring citizens get out there uncensored," said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer. "The blowback would be severe and would require escalating to Defcon 3 censorship. I'm told that's pretty bad."
After documents from inside Twitter revealed censorship of private citizens at the direction of politicians, Democrats have responded by calling for social media to censor even harder. "It's pretty clear at this point that the First Amendment was a terrible idea," said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "If you let average citizens speak, why they might embarrass me repeatedly by attaching fact-checks to all of my wildly erroneous statements on Twitter. It's getting super annoying."
While Democrats' directing of banning speech has been widely derided, censorship aficionado David French has defended their actions. "Honestly, I can't get enough of Joe Biden squashing free speech," said Mr. French gleefully. "I'll make literally whatever excuse I can think of to get more. I will argue with a straight face that right before the election, Joe Biden was simply a private citizen like you and me who never, ever spoke to sitting a member of Congress! Therefore, his demands for speech censorship have no First Amendment implications since Joe Biden had absolutely zero connections to the government before becoming President. I know that may sound insane, and that Democratic Representatives are even on record saying it's a First Amendment issue - but gosh darn it, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CENSORSHIP!!"
At publishing time, Elon Musk had vowed to simply buy whatever platform the Democrats tried to move to next.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
