LEBANON, NH—In a calculated move intended to demonstrate the power of the free market, libertarian man Patrick Wallace drove his SUV through dozens of other peoples’ back yards, across several open fields, over a stretch of rocky terrain, and even off a cliff into a small ravine in order to avoid using any government-funded roads, sources confirmed Thursday.
According to witnesses, the man got into his vehicle to head to work, started it up, and immediately barreled across his lawn, down his neighbor’s side yard, through a row of back yards, and right into an adjacent wood, all while carefully preventing his tires from ever touching any road built by tax dollars.
“What would we do without roads funded by government coercion? That’s easy,” the man told reporters later as he attempted to push his car out of a creek. “We’d be able to drive straight to work through any obstacles we wanted, without the state telling us we’re not allowed to launch over a gully to get to the office on time.”
“Give me liberty, or give me—hey, would you mind giving me a hand here?” he added.
After getting his car moving again, Wallace reportedly hurtled down the brook, across a steep ski slope, and burst through a cemetery, waving at the groundskeeper to get out of the way, before launching off a homemade ramp over a county road to his office.
At publishing time, Wallace had fashioned a rope swing at the office in order to help him get to the Dunkin’ Donuts across the street without walking on “roads funded by theft.”