WASHINGTON, D.C. - Upon reading a communiqué describing Amercans' growing discomfort with record-breaking gas prices, coupled with dependence on foreign oil, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, clad in an elaborate 18th-century royal gown, announced to his twittering entourage, "Let them drive Teslas."
"It is an absurdly simple solution to our domestic energy crisis. Does the peasantry not understand what an electric car is?" scoffed Buttigieg while hiding a delicate laugh behind his silken kerchief. "I do say, if they lack the simple notion of what a Tesla is, I must declare them a hopeless, wretched class of people."
When a thoughtful member of Buttigieg's powdered retinue suggested that commoners may, in fact, understand what a Tesla was, but lacked the financial resources to simply turn to a servant and request one at any time, Buttigieg sent him to the guillotine then sipped his champagne and reflected on the suggestion that icky-sticky vassals lacked access to Teslas.
After some time thinking, studying, and playing croquet, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana proposed a new federal program that would provide every scamp, guttersnipe, and dismal member of the rabble class a servant to whom they could turn and ask for a Tesla.
When asked how this expansive federal program would be funded, Buttigieg said, "Let them ask the servants for money."
The entourage erupted in dainty applause at their lord's noble genius.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
