SACRAMENTO, CA—Pharaoh Gavin Newsom was lounging about at the Capitol Building, thinking about maybe going to the gym open just for government employees or maybe getting his hair perma-gelled, when the doors burst open and a fiery-eyed, bearded figure appeared before him: John MacArthur.
"Pharaoh Newsom! Let my people go... to church!" MacArthur, who had inexplicably grown a full, flowing beard, bellowed. "If you do not let my people go to church, I will release more plagues on the land. Darkness, fires, and earthquakes were just the beginning!" MacArthur, of course, clarified that any plagues he called down would simply be providential and not miraculous in any way.
The Pharaoh refused, and so, MacArthur threw his staff to the ground. But, not wanting to perform a modern-day miracle, MacArthur just let the staff sit there. The unimpressed Newsom hardened his heart even further and phoned up the city of Los Angeles to see if they could evict the church from any more parking spaces or just generally be a nuisance to allowing the church to meet.
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