NEWARK, DE — Despite a Christmas haul that included a $250 Marvel-themed "Sanctum Sanctorum" LEGO set, the long-range "NERF Ultra Pharoah Blaster" gun for $50, and an Xbox for $499, the most coveted gift among the children in the Coogan household this year was the wrapping paper tube, according to sources.
"Two Christmases ago, it looked like the bubble wrap would beat out the Nintendo Switch up until the very end — then, at the last moment, the wrapping paper tubes swooped in for another upset victory." said the kids' dad Sam Coogan. "The possibilities are endless! It can be a sword, a telescope, a trumpet, almost anything! Why do I even bother buying presents anymore?"
"Man, I'm really in the mood to play with a wrapping paper tube now."
Cardboard tubes have been the hottest toy in the Coogan house for three consecutive years even amid fierce competition from the more elaborate toy categories. The prior year's upset saw the cardboard tube triumph over more complicated toys like Hot Wheels tracks and an electric train track, as well as simpler classics like Lincoln Logs and Magnet Tiles, with the tube again securing the top score for the total number of post-holiday play hours.
At publishing time, the used wrapping paper pile unseated the wrapping paper tube when the latter was eaten by the Coogan family dog. Reports confirm that no children in the household have yet touched the legos, nerf gun, or Xbox.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
