LAS VEGAS, NV — The Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas, NV led the nation in increasing security presence where thousands of bags sat unguarded following mass cancellations for Southwest Airlines. Airport officials have already reported other airports following their lead, citing concerns that the luggage would be stolen by Biden energy official Sam Brinton.
"We have scheduled all our full-time employees and called in all our subcontracted security teams to keep watch on the bags, as a loose Brinton is our highest threat level." said the TSA's Regional Security Director. "Personnel seeing any bald person who vaguely resembles Matt Damon in lipstick should report to their manager immediately, as well as engage the suspect with de-escalating measures, including offering to exchange the stolen bag with an alternative bag of comparable value and stylishness."
"We are still trying to secure a location for Brinton, but they is on the loose – as of now, we cannot guarantee the safety of your bags if they are not physically on your person."
Saul Smart, one of the contracted Golden Eagle security team leads brought in for the situation, expressed skepticism via his Facebook live that the situation was dire enough to warrant making his fully licensed private security team pull double shifts and overnight watches. "Why wouldn't a ‘no stealing baggage' sign do the trick?" he said. When a commenter informed Smart that the suspected thief was Brinton, however, his face fell and he ended the live feed, citing the need "to warn my guys that it's not an average thief – it's that bald Biden official."
At publishing time, Brinton was confirmed to have assembled 10 other professional thieves to orchestrate a mass bag pickup operation, with the stolen bags to be dumped in the Bellagio in Las Vegas for later retrieval.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.